


In Sickness and Irritation

by Adiaphory



Series: Tobias Funke Inserts [4]
Category: Arrested Development, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Crossover, Daryl needs to go to his angry dome, Flu, Near Death, Oneshot, Season/Series 04, Short, Sickfic, everyone hates Tobias, intentionally getting sick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 18:44:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5939226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adiaphory/pseuds/Adiaphory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The prison is infected with the flu, survivors are dying left and right, and Daryl is ready to die a horrible and painful death if it meant finally being free of Tobias Funke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Sickness and Irritation

Glenn hadn't been looking so good since the flu epidemic that overtook half the prison. He could be found lying in his cell, clothes stuck to him from his fever producing more sweat than the Georgia heat ever could. He was paler than even Beth, which was impressive considering he's Korean and generally tan. Each day Maggie would stop by the glass window that was the only form of visiting the sick inmates. Each day Hershel would give her a solemn look through the dusty glass. Each day Maggie would ask her dad to tell Glenn she loved him, beg him to tell her if it got worse, and walk away ready to break down.

Ever since Rick's group showed up on the Greene Farm her life had changed, more drastically than even the apocalypse starting: Glenn entered her life. Glenn was her everything now, he was the one to save her life and save her from falling apart. But now she was alone while her lover lay in bed, dying, alongside everyone else. And she couldn't even come in to hold his hand as he struggles to breathe.

She walked quietly down the hall, the echoes of her feet the only noise to comfort her wandering mind. She only stopped when she abruptly hit something-- _someone._

"Well hello there, missy! I haven't seen you since noon-thirty!"

Maggie groaned. This day couldn't get worse.

"Not now Tobias, I'm not in the mood for your nonsense," she said curtly. She tried to step around him, once again stopped by his hand on her arm. She gave her deadliest glare and hissed out, " _Take if off before I break it off_."

Tobias laughed jovially as he retracted his hand. "No matter! That delightful man in the poncho needs us anyway."

"Daryl?"

"No, that can't be it. Strapping young lad, sandy hair, and the most gorgeous baby blue eyes I've ever gazed into--"

"WHAT," she grabbed him by his decorative floral scarf, "IS IT?"

"Something or another about staying put of the sick block, since it's apparently highly contagious!"

"What?" Her heart nearly stopped.

"Oh, well, it seems Mr. Dixon himself has been under the weather and..."

No. This couldn't be happening. Her dad was in there, exposed, 24/7. He would definitely die in there with Glenn. And now Daryl is sick too? This can't be happening, too many people are being lost!

Maggie shoved Tobias aside when she saw Tyreese, clad in gloves and a bandanna covering his face, pushing a gurney down the hall and towards the sick block... And Daryl was laying there being pushed to his ultimate death.

Tyreese glared at the other man. "Tobias, you dumbass! Get out of the fucking way before I take you in there with him!"

Maggie piped up, "Yeah, I think Rick wants to talk to you."

"Well well, looks like I'm Mr. Popular today! Toodles!" And he left as mysteriously as he came; skipping into the darkness, singing show tunes to himself. His rendition of _Seasons of Love_ was as spooky as it was goddamn beautiful.

Maggie looked down at the sleeping face of Daryl. He didn't look sick. In fact, he almost looked peaceful. His eyes snapped open and scared the living hell out of the girl.

"Daryl, oh my god, you scared me!"

Tyreese chucked.

"Shush up."

Daryl began to sit up on the stretcher, much to Maggie's surprise. He didn't look tired or pained. What was going on? She looked between the men until she got an answer to her silent question.

"Look," Daryl spoke up. "I'm not sick. Yet."

“Yet?"

"Tobias follows us everywhere. I'm not even kidding. I was in the bathroom earlier, and he came in too. Just my luck, right? So we're at the urinals, and it's proper dude code to look straight, right? I notice movement and I look over and the fucker's _looking over at me_!"

Tyreese spoke up. "It's been two years for some of us. I've known the dude for a few months, but he's already grinding my gears, man. This is the only way."

"If we can't escape him in life, we'll escape him in... _other ways_."

Maggie was shocked. "Wait, so y'all are gonna get yourselves sick so you can die and not deal with Tobias anymore?"

Daryl nodded. "Everyone back in C-block agreed it’s for the best. Let the Woodbury people deal with him."

There was a few awkward silences, interrupted only by failed attempts to break said silence.

"It's genius. I'm so fucking tired of him." Maggie hopped on the stretcher next up Daryl.

"We can't all go in at once, so we're going in groups. Today you two, Beth, and Bob are getting 'sick.' Tomorrow is Rick, Sasha, Carl..."

They were wheeled into the sick block. Daryl nodded to Tyreese and walked Maggie into the cells adjacent to Glenn's.

* * *

The next week was filled with more small groups "getting sick" and joining up in the block. And as they expected, they each caught the flu and ended up suffering in their bunks, coughing on their own blood in some cases. As expected, everyone but Tobias and the Woodbury group was in the sick block, each growing weaker each day. Daryl held Carol close as they shivered in their shared bunk. He stifled a cough, nuzzled her, and tried to sleep. He woke up, unaware he had fallen asleep. Carol stood in the corner of the cell, poncho wrapped around her thin shoulders. She was urgently talking to Hershel but Daryl couldn't hear anything but the pounding in his head and his violent coughs. Instead of throwing up he retched out mouthfuls of dark, lumpy blood.

Hershel regretted that they didn't have any more tubes to clear his airway. Daryl would die choking on his own blood. And Daryl was okay with that, at least Tobias wouldn't be there to hassle him.

There was practically a symphony of these sickly dying noises from most cells. Carol sobbed as Hershel explained it'd be best to end Daryl's suffering now: he was too far gone.

Daryl almost smiled. It's almost over, he's almost free of--

"I'm not just an _analrapist_ , I'm also a professional _midwife_!"

No. No no no, anyone but Tobias. How did he even get in here? Daryl passed out before he could fight off Tobias' touch.

* * *

Daryl woke up much later, actually able to breathe. Is this Heaven?

"Oh, wakey wakey!"

Nope. Definitely Hell.

Daryl sat up and scanned his surroundings. He was still in the sick block, but there was no noise. No coughing, no heaving, no cries. It was a comfortable silence. He realized he was now covered in a duvet and not just the sheet he tore off the bunk. Each cell was like this: every person had their own bed, with soft pillows and fluffy quilts and comforters (Carol had a bonus poncho with her).

"What th' fuck."

Hershel hobbled into the cell and stood with Tobias. "Welcome back, son. Tobias worked wonders; we were able to save everyone here. You were at death's door, it's truly a miracle."

No. No no no.

"Everyone should be well enough to get back to their normal routines by tomorrow."

NO NO **NO**.

"We all have Tobias to thank for our lives."

Daryl blinked a few times, processing this information. Even in death they weren't safe. Tobias may be indestructible, but so was anyone who had the misfortune of coming in contact with him. "I... I need a moment. Alone."

The men nodded and left the cell, pulling the privacy curtain behind him.

Daryl laid on his back, pulled his pillow over his face, and let out all his anguish.

* * *

"What the hell..."

"What's wrong, Brian?"

The Governor looked up at his lady, who had been braiding her daughter's hair. "Did you hear that?"

A second loud scream resonated through Martinez' camp. And a third. And a fourth.

_Tobias just had that effect on people._


End file.
